Family Petitions Congress for Bailout

A Manhattan family is seeking government relief for debt they claim was brought on by greedy Wall Street lenders. Under the proposed Tarpley Asset Relief Program (TARP), the family would receive a one-time payment of $10 million directly into their checking account. Part of the money would be used to pay down the family’s debt including a mortgage, multiple credit cards, and school tuition. According to TARP spokesperson Todd Tarpley, the remainder would be spent “jump-starting the US economy” through purchases of real estate, automobiles, and other luxury goods and services. “This emergency package will help redress the unbridled greed of unscrupulous lenders,” said Tarpley, “and restore confidence to hard-working Americans like us.”