Family Petitions Congress for Bailout

A Manhattan family is seeking government relief for debt they claim was brought on by greedy Wall Street lenders. Under the proposed Tarpley Asset Relief Program (TARP), the family would receive a one-time payment of $10 million directly into their checking account. Part of the money would be used to pay down the family’s debt including a mortgage, multiple credit cards, and school tuition. According to TARP spokesperson Todd Tarpley, the remainder would be spent “jump-starting the US economy” through purchases of real estate, automobiles, and other luxury goods and services. “This emergency package will help redress the unbridled greed of unscrupulous lenders,” said Tarpley, “and restore confidence to hard-working Americans like us.”

Medical Experts Baffled as Former Cute and Cuddly Kids Morph Into Stringy Haired Hobos

Two New York City boys are under observation by health officials after mysteriously transforming from sweet-looking children into wild-haired, beast-like creatures in a matter of months. The parents told authorities they first became alarmed when the boys, ages 7 and 10, began receiving girls’ Happy Meal toys. Since then, the boys have been offered food at a local soup kitchen, opened for AC/DC at Shea Stadium, and been cast in a remake of “Dazed and Confused.” Health experts and the boys’ parents remain baffled by the cause.

World Fails to Meet Woman's Expectations for 42nd Straight Year

A Manhattan woman expressed regret and dismay after the world failed yet again to meet her expectations in 2008. According to a friend, Jennifer Tarpley’s modest goals for the year included getting the kids to bed earlier, improving the family’s diet, coming up with a better system for paying bills, and helping her husband be more emotionally accessible. Despite her best efforts, nothing really changed. The woman’s frustrations peaked in December when she reportedly discovered her husband and kids eating Cap’n Crunch in front of the TV after telling them 15 minutes earlier that she was planning to fix chicken. “She almost feels as if she was the only one who was really committed to making the changes happen,” said the friend.

Man Claims to be Author of Children's Book “To be Published Any Day Now”

Friends and relatives of a middle-aged NYC man are questioning his assertion that he is the author of a soon-to-be-published children’s book. According to an acquaintance, for over a year the man has been telling “anyone who will listen” that his first book will be published “soon,” yet when pressed for details about its release date, “he just kind of makes up excuses. It’s kind of sad, frankly.” Dutton, the supposed publisher, had no knowledge of the man and refused further comment.